apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
