Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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