Life is so much better after having sex.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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