how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
