normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
