he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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