she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
