so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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