There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
