If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
