Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
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Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
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All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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