Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
