I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
