i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
