Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
