So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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