True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
