Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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