Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
