I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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