I can't watch pbs sober anymore
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
