My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
