I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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