We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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