i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
