i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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