Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
