my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
