you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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