Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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