me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
