nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
