I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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