Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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