Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
