That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
