Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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