I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize
