I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
