you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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