i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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