my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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