I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
