pedialite and red bull = repair kit
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
