you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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