I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Buhtt sex?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
