The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
nutella sex= disaster
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
