I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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