When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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