You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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