I don't usually arrange sex via text message
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
