small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
