Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
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I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
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I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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