just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
