My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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