my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
