and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
