i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
