I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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