My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
