Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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