Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
