Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
