FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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