Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
